Messy Closet Day

Like most women, I decide once or twice a year to purge my closet of those items that either (a) never see the light of day or (b) do get worn out in public but probably shouldn’t. Today was that day.

Among the debris… a blue sweatshirt that I recently discovered was from Aerie which is the ‘nightwear and underwear’ counterpart to American Eagle. What this means is that I have spent the past two years wearing a pajama top to the grocery store. Sigh. Fashion faux pas number 2,000,001. Also launched into the trash:

• A pair of jeans from too many years ago to count that torture me with the constant reminder that if I only stopped eating entirely I might someday be able to zip the zipper
• An assortment of ‘got them on sale’ long-sleeved t-shirts (does anyone look good in long-sleeved t-shirts?)
• A shirt dress that was similar to one I saw on Gwyneth Paltrow (or Jennifer Garner… or some other Hollywood actress with giant collarbones and a concave abdomen). Probably wore it once or twice before a sideways glance in a full-length mirror reminded me of what shirt dresses look like on real people
• An assortment of scarves (because while I never actually wear scarves, I enjoy the ‘idea’ of wearing scarves)

So now I have a tidy (albeit empty) closet, an impressive collection of white plastic clothes hangers, and a panicky feeling that I must get to the mall immediately.

This time is going to be different, I tell myself. I will not buy anything just because it is on sale, comes in black, or resembles something that looked good on someone else. I will not purchase clothing in the same place as I purchase groceries, electronics, or office supplies. And I will not buy anything that requires the donning of a thong or, God-forbid, the dreaded Spanx (Is it possible to think about anything besides your restricted muffin top when you are wearing a pair of Spanx?)

With all of these caveats in place, I find myself suddenly overwhelmed by my limitations. Do I really have the ‘chops’ to shop? The whole idea seems exhausting. Suddenly those long-sleeved tshirts start to look a bit better. After all, they go with anything and they were 2 for $30! Maybe all they need is to be accessorized with a jaunty scarf…

So, in the end, those plastic hangers were used to re-populate my closet with most of the items from my ‘give away’ pile. I’m still calling it a successful purge because at least I am getting rid of my two sizes too small jeans. Of course, I have been walking a lot lately and I went to a yoga class earlier this month. Maybe I will just slide them onto a top shelf for now… who knows when I might fit into them again!