I am a lover of cookies. They offer all of the delicious decadence of cake or pie, without need of plate or napkin. They travel well, store easily, and look great just sitting on your kitchen counter. But most importantly, the humble cookie offers an almost immediate, remarkably fast-acting cure for whatever ails you. And I don’t want to hear any of that “emotional eating is bad” foolishness because there are a lot of relationships alive today because of the OREO … nothing takes the edge off “my spouse is a fool” rage like a couple of chocolate wafers with a gooey vanilla center!
I have been diligently conducting cookie-therapy research for most of my life and, based on anecdotal evidence, I have been able to match specific cookies with identified emotional needs and social situations. I share this knowledge readily in the hope that it will help to end unnecessary suffering and eventually bring about world peace:
- THE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE says “everything will be okay” (I don’t mean this symbolically… I really think that if you close your eyes while you eat a warm, freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, you will hear those words in your head). Having “one of those” days? Do not despair… just combine this soothing cookie with a glass of icy cold milk and feel the tension slip away.
- THE SUGAR COOKIE makes you smile and reminds you not to take life too seriously. How solemn can you be while nibbling the head off a sugar-sparkly snowman or licking the icing-eyes off an orange-tinted pumpkin? The whole process of making sugar cookies makes you feel like a kid doing arts and crafts, so relax and let the flour fly!
- THE OATMEAL COOKIE is a social-status powerhouse. Readily adaptable to nut-free environments and arguably a “healthy snack” option, it is the perfect choice for the working mother who needs to make a statement. Send this to any school function and it will speak on your behalf. It’s the cookie that says “Yes bitches… I am Superwoman! I don’t let that 40 hour a week job keep me from baking cookies in my shiny clean kitchen. And when I’m not baking, or helping my kids learn advanced math (because they are geniuses), I train for marathons, and make wild, passionate love to my incredibly attentive husband. Oh… and all of the ingredients are organic, locally sourced, and purchased at the Farmer’s market, which I bicycle to every Saturday”
- THE DOUBLE CHOCOLATE COOKIE is the nuclear option, guaranteed to establish an impermeable force field between you and your woes. This is the go-to cookie for that day when your VISA hits its overload, the teenaged driver in your house tears the fender off the minivan, or you run into an old boyfriend in the grocery store (AND he still looks great, AND you were wearing your Roots sweatpants and a coffee-stained hoodie). The double chocolate cookie is great with cold milk or warm tea, and there is no harm sweetening your beverage with a little Irish Cream (Cookie time is ‘judgement free’)
Obviously, there are endless cookie choices, each with its own particular benefits. But these simple, basic options will suffice in most situations. And don’t stress out if you don’t have time to make cookies. There are lots of great choices to be found at the grocery store. In fact, I believe that the store-bought cookie should be considered an essential household first aid supply (like bandaids, Advil, and a bottle of merlot). Personal brand favourites include the OREO, which is the ideal choice for calming rage, the Chip Ahoy, which takes the edge off PMS and/or menopausal melancholy, and the beloved Maple Cookie, which will stop a child’s tears long enough to render additional first aid. And yes… even the self-righteous “don’t use food as a reward” parents should get off their high horse and grab a cookie when pain and tears are involved because little people feel better when they have a cookie in their hands.
Is the cookie going to solve all of your problems for you? Probably not. But it will add a little happiness and maybe that will start the Butterfly Effect by giving you the strength to solve them on your own.