Halloween Rules for Mothers

Let me start by saying that I LOVE Halloween. At this very moment, one of my most comfortable sofa cushions is serving as ‘bosom stuffing’ for the scary witch posed in my front porch, and all of my black garbage bags have been sacrificed to transform a wicker hamper into a coffin for my glow-in-the-dark skull. Clearly, I am INTO Halloween.

That said, I have adapted my celebratory activities over the years, because there are honestly some things that just have to stop once you have kids and you get to a certain age. Yes… I said it… age matters. I don’t care how tight Madonna manages to keep her ass; no one wants to see her gyrating on stage anymore. I’m not saying I don’t want to hear(or watch) her sing. Just saying that it’s time to trash the fishnet and buy ‘grown up woman’ pantyhose.

It seems like, at Halloween, many mothers flip a bit too far in one direction (think Miley Cyrus in the Wrecking Ball video) or the other (dressed like props from an elementary school pageant). Please note that I grant an exemption from my rules for mothers under thirty whose children are young enough not to be scarred by the memories. This segment of the population should still feel free to accompany their tiny tricksters while clothed as “somewhat sexy” witches or freckle-faced school girls (but please… no sexy schoolgirls because that is very disturbing).

For the rest of us, there are a few rules (let’s call them ‘guidelines) that I think should be followed, particularly in these days of facebook and instagram, where a single image of you impersonating Kim Kardashian can cause your off-spring endless social humiliation:

1. DO NOT wear a costume into the grocery store, the bank, or, God-forbid, your child’s school. If you are literally overwhelmed by the physical yearning to dress-up, a relatively unadorned witch’s hat or ‘fun’ hippie glasses may be okay, but absolutely no clown wigs, fake teeth, butt pants, or “sexy” versions of anything!
2. Dress up at work ONLY if (a) there has been a memo encouraging this behaviour, and (b) the memo has not been created and distributed by the holiday-obsessed co-worker who has been forcibly sharing Halloween candy for over a week (the same person who will stick a miniature Christmas tree on the corner of his/her desk on November 1^st)
3. DO NOT dress-up as a famous person and make trick-or-treaters guess who you are before handing out the goodies. This will just show your age because chances are great that most of them will genuinely have no idea who you are. I know you have a great Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, costume in the attic, but Elvira has been collecting the old age pension for longer than most of the candy seekers have been alive. And take that Bill Clinton wig off your husband’s head. Sure, it’s nice to see him with hair, but… the kids don’t know who he is. They might recognize Hilary, but Bill is just another old guy (karma is a bitch Bill!)

There is no need to be depressed about the situation. If you really think about it, Halloween is more fun without all that “what will I be?” madness. So relax and enjoy not spending the night as a “sexy” cat, with the underwire from your push up bra stabbing you in the chest and a pair of Spanx cutting off the blood supply to your lower extremities. Let a comfy black t-shirt and a $2 kitty-ear headband suffice and enjoy the real joy of the occasion… eating dozens of bite-sized chocolate bars and a zillion tiny bags of Doritos!