It is January 1st again and I am of course declaring loudly, to anyone who will listen, that I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. Of course you know how it is with those who loudly declare their innocence… they are usually guilty as sin. I guess it is more accurate to say that I don’t want to make New Year’s Resolutions. Unfortunately, the little voice inside my head cannot be put on mute. So, whether I admit it to the world or not, I woke up this morning with 3 Resolutions:
- Lose 300 pounds
Like almost every woman I have ever met, I start each year with a vow to lose ten pounds. Basic math says 10 pounds a year for 30 years (50s, 60s and 70s) sets my actual weight loss goal at 300 pounds (guess I should skip baking those peppermint brownies today… and tomorrow… and for the rest of eternity)
- Put 120% my yearly earnings into savings
Based on what I read, I know that I should be putting 20% of my earnings into an “emergency fund”, 20% away to educate each of my children (20% x 3 kids = 60%), 10% into an “extra yearly payment” on my house, and 30% into retirement savings vehicles. Obviously, I must reduce my household expenses by a minimum of 120% immediately!
- Move into a plastic bin in the attic
Ultimately, everything I buy winds up in the attic, stored in assorted sized plastic bins with lids that never quite fit. Most of these items reach their final resting place in January, when I start lugging Christmas decorations up the stairs and suddenly realize that the uppermost floor of my home is a post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with dead-eyed American Girl dolls, cracked picture frames, and rows of dusty shoes. My middle-aged-mom OCD kicks in and I begin “re-organizing” this uninhabited space. Hubby and the kids believe that the attic is filled with untold treasures and family heirlooms (someday those headless Barbies and aged golf clubs will be worth a fortune). I must therefore perform my work with the stealth, silent movements of a Navy SEAL. By moving into the attic I will reduce my risk of detection by minimizing my time on the squeaky stairwell and the distinctly non-stealthy noises I make when I repeatedly trip while going up and down this stairwell. As a mother, I am confident that no one will notice my absence, so long as I keep the fridge stocked and continue to replenish the batteries in all of the electronic gadgets.
Making these resolutions a reality will be challenging, but I am sure it can be done! With -20% of my income available for food and shelter, both weight loss and living in a bin seem easily attainable. Of course, there is always the other option… the one I chose in 2014, and 2013, and…
I can send my family to the movies and toss half the contents of the attic into non-transparent garbage bags while they are out. With the remaining alone time (I will send them to a movie with Hobbits because those are good for 3+ hours), I will eat the leftover holiday candy and drink the leftover wine (a frugal choice, well in keeping with my financial goals). Then I will watch 15 minutes of world news and be slapped in the face by the reality of my good fortune and stop ruminating about my First World trials and trevails!
Stuff my dog taught me 
Yup. And that’s why I don’t do resolutions. It’s also why we are so broke. We looked at those “savings advice” columns, realized it was hopeless and just lived, figuring we’d deal with it after we crossed that bridge. I don’t know who has that much “extra income,” but it’s no one I know. It was certainly never US.
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I assume it’s the people who earn 220% more than they require!
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What a great post! I love the “moving into the attic” scenario. I would follow suit, but our stuff winds up in the damp, cold basement, and I’m not quite willing to move down there even if it is the most frugal and efficient option. I do, however, plan to spend part of this weekend finally sorting and rolling all that loose change – that might take care of the -20% income problem (well at least for a day or two).
Happy New Year to you and yours!
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My local bank just got this uber-cool ‘sorting machine’ that gobbles up your change and puts the amount total right into the bank! It mesmerizes me.
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I think my bank may have that, too, and of course, the local grocery store has that huge coin sorter.
But there’s something soothing about sorting and rolling those coins while watching a tear-jerker on DVD.
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I agree… Basically everything in life is improved if Notting Hill, Love Actually, or The Notebook is on in the background!
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Very funny about the 300 pounds lost. Enjoy the wine. I have a realistic list of resolutions for you to consider on my last post. All the best.
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