It is January 1st again and I am of course declaring loudly, to anyone who will listen, that I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. Of course you know how it is with those who loudly declare their innocence… they are usually guilty as sin. I guess it is more accurate to say that I don’t want to make New Year’s Resolutions. Unfortunately, the little voice inside my head cannot be put on mute. So, whether I admit it to the world or not, I woke up this morning with 3 Resolutions:
- Lose 300 pounds
Like almost every woman I have ever met, I start each year with a vow to lose ten pounds. Basic math says 10 pounds a year for 30 years (50s, 60s and 70s) sets my actual weight loss goal at 300 pounds (guess I should skip baking those peppermint brownies today… and tomorrow… and for the rest of eternity)
- Put 120% my yearly earnings into savings
Based on what I read, I know that I should be putting 20% of my earnings into an “emergency fund”, 20% away to educate each of my children (20% x 3 kids = 60%), 10% into an “extra yearly payment” on my house, and 30% into retirement savings vehicles. Obviously, I must reduce my household expenses by a minimum of 120% immediately!
- Move into a plastic bin in the attic
Ultimately, everything I buy winds up in the attic, stored in assorted sized plastic bins with lids that never quite fit. Most of these items reach their final resting place in January, when I start lugging Christmas decorations up the stairs and suddenly realize that the uppermost floor of my home is a post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with dead-eyed American Girl dolls, cracked picture frames, and rows of dusty shoes. My middle-aged-mom OCD kicks in and I begin “re-organizing” this uninhabited space. Hubby and the kids believe that the attic is filled with untold treasures and family heirlooms (someday those headless Barbies and aged golf clubs will be worth a fortune). I must therefore perform my work with the stealth, silent movements of a Navy SEAL. By moving into the attic I will reduce my risk of detection by minimizing my time on the squeaky stairwell and the distinctly non-stealthy noises I make when I repeatedly trip while going up and down this stairwell. As a mother, I am confident that no one will notice my absence, so long as I keep the fridge stocked and continue to replenish the batteries in all of the electronic gadgets.
Making these resolutions a reality will be challenging, but I am sure it can be done! With -20% of my income available for food and shelter, both weight loss and living in a bin seem easily attainable. Of course, there is always the other option… the one I chose in 2014, and 2013, and…
I can send my family to the movies and toss half the contents of the attic into non-transparent garbage bags while they are out. With the remaining alone time (I will send them to a movie with Hobbits because those are good for 3+ hours), I will eat the leftover holiday candy and drink the leftover wine (a frugal choice, well in keeping with my financial goals). Then I will watch 15 minutes of world news and be slapped in the face by the reality of my good fortune and stop ruminating about my First World trials and trevails!