This February 14th my local newspaper offered up a strange dichotomy of images. On one side of the page was an ad related to Valentine’s Day, showing a dapper gentleman presenting a near-to-swooning woman with a massive bouquet of roses. On the other side of the page was an ad for the movie 60 Shades of Gray in which an equally dapper fellow was tying an equally swoony woman to a bedpost.
Truthfully, when I looked at the Valentine’s Day ad, the first thought in my mind was that I would be pissed if my husband dropped $50+ on an armful of roses when the Superstore has stunning red tulips on sale for $6.99 a bunch. And the dirty movie ad just made me giggle, and not in a sexy, coquettish, “oh-my-goodness” sort of way… more in the vein of “how could I possibly keep a straight face while my husband tried to maneuver his way through this ridiculous move?”
“Sexy” is a very subjective term and I respect that there are women out there who are turned on by floral excess and/or a good spanking, but I suspect that they are not the majority (at least not in my age range). I humbly suggest to husbands that they put their VISA cards back in their wallets, leave their neckties in the closet, and focus a little more on the day-to-day if they want to increase the temperature in the bedroom.
Here is my list of 5 SEXY MOVES ANY HUSBAND CAN USE TO TURN ON THE MISSUS. I have included both an opener and a closer for each move. The “opener” should make her warm-up and smile. Follow it up with “the closer” and see the sparks really fly!
1. Opener: Make dinner / Closer: Clean up after making dinner
(Note: “clean up” must involve actually loading dishwasher and getting hands wet in sink filled with bubbling water. Putting pile of pots in sink “to soak” will NOT have the desired effect and may, in fact, delete the effect of the opener)
2. Opener: Spend a whole day doing fun things with her and the kids / Closer: Leave her at home on the sofa while you and the kids have “out of the house” fun for at least 3 hours
3. Opener: Set up a hot bubble bath for her and put a glass of wine by the tub / Closer: Leave the rest of the bottle in the bathroom and fold the laundry while she’s soaking
4. Opener: Listen as she shares an entire story about something that happened in her day without interrupting, offering an opinion, or checking texts/sport scores while she is talking / Closer: Casually mention at least one fact from her story an hour or so later, confirming that you were actually listening (Trust me… this is uber-hot!!!)
5. Opener: Spontaneously hold her hand while you are watching television together / Closer: Put the TV remote in her free hand and watch something she likes without complaining or requesting frequent channel changes to check sports scores
There are few things in this life that come with guaranteed success. There will be times when no amount of hand-holding, bath-running, or laundry-folding will persuade a woman to sacrifice extra sleep time for sex. But the good news is that the sexy moves I have identified cost nothing (except the day out with the kids which can admittedly tank the checking account) and the effects are cumulative!