I am writing this letter to apologize for my behaviour. I want you to know that I hear you when you tell me that I am annoying you all with my unending questions about when/if you will be home for dinner.
I acknowledge that I am nagging when I continually beg everyone to empty lunch bags at the end of the day and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen.
I know that I am complaining about the mountain of boots and shoes and hoodies growing on the floor in our foyer. And I hear myself criticizing when I make snarky comments about having to clean other people’s trash out of the family car.
Believe me when I tell you that I truly feel bad about my behaviour. I look in the mirror and I see an annoying, nagging, complaining, criticizing woman. I tell myself that I must get a grip – chill out, relax, let it go, etc.
I really want to be popular again, the way I was a million years ago, when I lived with roommates and didn’t give a rat’s crap what any of them ate, or whether their clothes were clean, or whether they had a semi-annual dental check-up. Back then, I merrily ate kraft dinner out of the pot, without sharing, and wrote my name in black sharpie on the yogurt so that no one else would dare to touch it.
I miss that version of me. She was a hoot. She hated annoying, nagging, complaining, criticizing women. Of course, she also had a zero-tolerance policy for roommates who didn’t clean up after themselves and she would literally lose her %$%$! on anyone who treated her poorly.
I try to imagine what she would have done if her $200 sweater was ‘borrowed’ without her consent then shoved into a dryer with a bunch of towels and shrunk to toddler-size. Or if she jumped into her car with only five minutes to get somewhere and discovered that a roommate had ‘borrowed’ it without asking, burned through all the gas, and left the tank empty.
I picture her reaction if her inquiries about the sweater were greeted with blank stares and shoulder shrugs and if her anger about the missed appointment was met with only eye rolls. My younger self would have ranted and raged and hollered into the wind, flinging herself headlong at each injustice, demanding apologies – demanding respect.
She would have eventually exhausted herself. She would have ‘toned it down’ and started ‘picking her battles’ for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’. And her efforts would have paid off, with a happy home and a happy family.
The happy family would absent-mindedly enjoy the clean house and the nice meals and the well-organized holidays. They would acknowledge her as a ‘good wife’ and a ‘good mom’ and this would make her feel good about herself and her choices. She would slowly stop noticing the ‘little things’ that used to piss her off… or would she?
So I apologize to my dear family. I know that I am annoying and nagging and complaining and criticizing. There are four of you reminding me of these behaviours on a daily basis, snapping at me, telling me to get a grip – chill out, relax, let it go, etc.
And you are right. I have become an annoying, nagging, complaining, criticizing woman. And I feel bad because, deep down, I have always hated that kind of woman.