As I was standing in the grocery store line up yesterday, I couldn’t help but notice how many magazines had articles judging the fashion ‘hits’ and ‘misses’ of female celebrities. I took a look around me and most of the women looked fine, but there were a few men exercising what I might term ‘questionable’ taste.
A bit more critiquing of male attire might be in order. Perhaps, with more scrutiny, we might be able to rid the world of man-fashion atrocities like:
Unless you are (a) under 10 years of age and (b) serving as the ringbearer at a wedding, you should not be sporting a bowtie. There are NO exceptions for British men, university professors, or guys who work in trendy clothing stores. To all of you, I say…buy a big boy necktie and move on.
2. Sweater vests
No woman, in the history of womanhood, has ever fantasized about a man in a sweater vest. NOT EVER!
3. Brown suits
It is not that brown suits look bad. It’s just that black suits, gray suits, and even navy suits look better. There is a reason why every woman has a little black dress but not a little brown dress.
4. Flip flops
There is no politically correct way to say this… men do not have attractive feet. If you simply must wear sandals, I strongly recommend the purchase of something leather that covers your toes (and the little patches of hair that grow on the tops of them). As an aside… please remove your socks before putting on your toe-covering sandals.
5. Short-sleeved dress shirts
A man in a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up a bit… sexy! A man in a short-sleeved white dress shirt (with or without pocket protector)… not sexy. There is no explanation for this. It just is.
6. T-shirts with slogans on them
If you want to make me laugh, tell a joke… don’t wear the joke.
7. Ball caps
Brim facing backwards. Brim on the side. Brim in the traditional front- facing position. It’s not about how you wear the ball cap, it’s about the fact that you are wearing a ball cap. Take off the damn cap. Unless you are standing in the outfield. Or playing golf. Or at the beach (because everyone should wear a hat at the beach).
With the exception of watches and wedding bands, jewellery should be avoided. A man sporting gold chains around his neck makes women giggle, and not in a good way. We also think you all look silly with earrings. And wrapping a bunch of leather around your wrist does not make you look like a young, hot, surfer-dude, unless you actually are a young, hot, surfer-dude, in which case the surfboard and the rock hard abs will probably be enough to establish your cred.
9. Straight-leg, light-wash denim
This is the male equivalent to ‘mom jeans’ and is commonly made even more disturbing by the addition of a thick black belt. I beg of you… visit an American Eagle and purchase anything dark wash.
10. Hipster scarves
Even Johnny Depp looks like an idiot in these things… enough said.