- “I’ve never felt better. In fact, I just started ______________ (zumba/yoga/training for a marathon).”
In truth, we feel like hell. We have brittle fingernails, dry hair and night sweats. And by ‘starting’ a new activity, we mean that we have gone shopping at Lululemon and bought a giant canister of protein powder from the health food section of the grocery store. We don’t really like wearing the Lululemon pants because we hate thongs, and we only used the protein powder once because it made our fruit smoothies taste like ass. And even if we do join a bunch of our friends for a zumba class, or an hour of hot yoga, or some crazy-long run, we are ending it with a ‘happy hour’ somewhere. Because we drink… like middle-aged fish!
- “Age just isn’t that important to me.”
It’s amazing our noses don’t grow as we speak this line. We live in a youth-obsessed culture and every time a cashier calls us “ma’am” or reminds us that they went to school with one of our kids, we die a little bit inside.
- “I would rather curl up with a good book than stare at a screen.”
We do enjoy reading, especially with a giant glass of wine in our free hand. But there is a strong element of bullshit to the passion with which we declare our disdain for all things electronic. How many middle-aged women do you actually know that don’t have a TV… and a computer… and probably a smart phone!?!
While we enjoy looking down from our lofty, book-reading perch at those Kardashian-watching, selfie-taking, constantly texting young’uns, we do so while paying for ALL the cable stations AND Netflix. We update our Facebook status daily. And when we are all alone in the house, we are more apt to binge watch Game of Thrones than binge read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
- “I’m a Finicky Eater”
‘Finicky’ is just a word we use to get out of having to eat whatever food is currently taking over the world (e.g. kale, acai berries, spelt bread). In truth, we live to eat! In fact, every middle-aged woman social event revolves around food. We brunch, we lunch, we meet for dinner. We host potlucks and BBQs and casual ‘get togethers’ where everyone brings an appetizer and it takes the better part of a week to re-connect the guests with their abandoned Tupperware. And as ‘finicky’ as we may claim to be, we will even eat that damn Kale salad with the acai-berry dressing and the side of spelt bread… if you serve it with a glass or two of pinot grigio.
- “I wish I had little ones in the house again.”
WE DO NOT! We loved our babies and we will love our grandbabies. But we also love sleeping through the night and not smelling like puke, and having uninterrupted conversations with other grown up people. We love tidy living rooms and doing laundry once a week instead of twice a day. We love long peaceful dinners in restaurants where the meals don’t come with a treat of the week. In essence… we love the idea of little ones in the house, but we do not miss the reality!
Please note that I do not claim to represent middle-aged women everywhere. I am sure that there are an ample number of older women out there in the world, merrily training for decathalons, blowing air kisses at the mirrored images of their wrinkled faces, and donating their televisions to charity. To all of you, I bow out of respect… then I pour myself a glass of wine, order in a mountain of Thai food and start the latest season of Girls on HBO!
The difference between your age and mine is that by the time you hit my age, you give up lying and admit everything. What have you got to lose? ,You can’t read much because your eyes don’t like it — and you have the concentration of a flea. Your cable bill is higher than your heating bill and you don’t consider it a luxury. You drink less because your body doesn’t much care for it, but you eat ONLY things you like because life is too short to drink kale smoothies.
Your computer is your lifeline and ten times more powerful (and expensive) than the one you had years ago because now, you REALLY depend on it.
By “little ones in the house” you mean Highland terriers. Scotties, Cairns, Norwich. Maybe a miniature Schnauzer. Or even a cat or three. Good lord, no tiny children. Good news? The night sweats are finished, but you are either cold or hot all the time. I believe the thermostat is the first part to go 🙂
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You make me laugh my friend! And life has always been too short for kale smoothies! When did this become a thing?!?
Horrible food became a thing when people got it in their head if they eat only things that taste bad but are “good for you” that they will live forever. They are probably still shell shocked decades after they have in fact, died anyway.
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I plan to die with a belly full of dead pig and a liver full of merlot.
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At least you will have lived a life and not spent it all trying to never die.
I enjoyed reading your take on this post and wished there was more to read- perhaps a topic for a future blog post from you ?
As usual, a wonderful post and you have hit the nail on the head , not once but at least 6 times through this post.
I am there, so I can feel every word of what you have written.
I feel like we are a ‘cultural group’ of some sort. Middle-aged women. Someday, museums will have wings filled with artifacts of our people: the giant wine glass, the skin-tone spanx, the mini muffin tin (because muffins are 500% cuter when they are mini).
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Mini muffins crowd comfortably on your plate and of course you take more than one because they are so small.
I think I’m going to get a little piece of chocolate. I need consoling. I’m not sure for what, but something.
I have a blog. I write about a lot of things. Sometimes, I am funny. Other times, not so much 🙂
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Marilyn, sounds like you and I are about the same age; past the age of lying. Can’t remember if it’s becasue I’ve realized that other people’s opinions are not more important than my own, or that I can’t remember what I lied about.
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Marilyn, we may be about the same age. I don’t bother telling lies to improve what someone thinks about me. I’m old enough to know that my opinion is as important and I like myself. I also like that I can laugh aloud when sharing some of my adventures and smile secretly at others. My credo, Life is an adventure to explore and enjoy, not an existence to endure.
I think this is the single really good part of being of a ‘certain age.’ Finally, we grow into ourselves and stop worrying about what (if anything) anyone thinks about us. WHAT A RELIEF! Phew. Like finally REALLY retiring!!!
What she said. Kale. no. Smoothies. no.
Where did these things come from? Tell people its good and they’ll talk themselves into loving it.. I swear, if Dr. Oz said that ground jujubes were good for your skin, people would do it.
.I dont own a blender, a TV, a smart phone or a kindle. Thats what age does for ya. I do have a microwave,
which i consider high tech
In a few years when they ask me if I want help with that at the checkout counter Ill actually consider it. I always tell them, if you can lift it, i can lift it too.
Raw veggies? Never. all that crunching and digesting is hard on the teeth and the stomach, trust me.
Betty White said, “exercise? I have a two story house and a bad memory.”
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OMG. Love that Betty White quote! She is a personal hero. Lily Tomlin, Betty White, and Diane Keaton. The trifecta of ‘older woman’ brilliance!
Kim, this is funny and I also like the Betty White quote from Judy. I watched the one person show by Carrie Fisher last night. She speaks along these same lines – she notes that her crazy behavior and alcoholism were sad then, but now they are funny. She said it is “location, location, location.” Her funniest line was when she heard about the title “Star Wars,” one of her friends thought it was a movie about her feuding parents – Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Nice post.BTG
Saw her show in NYC… Brilliant!
I love all four of those women, no holds barred. Some days, you have to laugh. Really.
And when you reach a certain age, you no longer worry about offending the easily offended,
or cowering in front of over dressed sales clerks, doctors, nurses, or policemen.
and once youve mastered the slightly elevated eyebrow(s) and the flat eyed stare, you’re good to
Id not work too hard on the one eyebrow raise, it makes wrinkles later on.
and marilyn, whatever you write is always memorable, trust me.
Thanks. Some days, I wonder if I’m shouting down an empty tunnel … or whatever I’m saying must be incomprehensible babble. This is a babble day.
Hehehe..Thank you. Perfection. There was a newborn (maybe 3 weeks old) adorable sleepy faced wee little baby at a meeting I was at recently. I immediately cooed and put my arms out to hold her and then pulled back in shock. No! I don’t know how to hold a baby anymore, after holding my four all those years ago, and my arms learning to brush hair, hug, hold hands, hold bikes still while little ones climbed on, guiding each one to climb and jump and swim and kick a soccer ball and shooting baskets for hours on end, holding in my arms when tears came, soothing frustration, cajoling in to good humour/positive ways to look at things, and then drinking beers or sangria with my older two, watching all four as they clamber thru life and doing the wacky walk dance with them when we are feeling goofy (and my son who is still 14 recently suggested we needed to do it again soon…thank god for our silly sides), and then with my arms outstretched to this wee baby at the meeting, I suddenly pulled my arms back in retreat…no no no…no thank you…I no longer know how to hold their wee heads, or keep them from crying (which she started to squirm and seemed about to emit loud mewing sounds) so I quickly passed her on to my daughter who still remembers what it was like to carry her sister, and who has that instinct that I never had but had to grow in to and loved every moment of and of which one day I shall whole heartedly look forward to holding my grandchildren, when, years from now, they choose to arrive on this planet and enter all of our lives. Then I will be ready. But now, pass me a sangria, a book, a tea, let’s laugh and share stories and listen to one another and appreciate the quiet when we find ourselves as alone as one can find herself when teens are playing computer games and the twenty somethings are sharing stories with one another…and I feel the love in the house….and appreciate the chance to get to remember who I am too. Nicely written, as always, girl!