Day before beginning diet: Attend female-only get-together. Consume ludicrous amounts of cheese and crackers, washed down with even more ludicrous amounts of wine. Wobble home and fall into bed without brushing your teeth or changing into your jammies.
Diet Day 1: Wake up with red-wine teeth, headache, and belly bloat. Weigh yourself immediately while you are still fully dressed. Bladder full. Round your weight UP to nearest pound because you feel like punishing yourself. Spend rest of day googling ‘how to lose 5 pounds in five days’ on your laptop and adding diet app, exercise app, and slew of peppy workout songs to your iphone. Consume only coffee, water, and Advil gel caps… until about 8pm when you suddenly realize that you are ravenously hungry but it is too late to make a proper meal. Settle for grilled cheese sandwich… or two.
Diet Day 2: Drink super healthy smoothie for breakfast. Add expensive protein powder, which makes drink taste like ass. Record in diet app. Go for a run over lunch hour. Talk on cell phone during much of run which kind of turns it into an uber-slow walk, but congratulate yourself anyway. Record in exercise app. The moment you get home, strip off all of your clothes and weigh yourself. Round down. Congratulate yourself for losing half a pound!
Reward yourself by buying a bottle of Skinny Girl wine. Drink with healthy stir-fry dinner based on recipe from Weight Watchers magazine. Tastes pretty good once you double the number of almonds and add some cheese. Record wine as ‘water’ in diet app because it is so tasteless that it seems ridiculous to consider it anything else.
Diet Day 3: Drink super healthy smoothie for breakfast. Record in diet app. Legs aching from Day 3 run so skip exercise. Spend lunch hour googling cost of personal trainer. Forget to eat. Blood sugar drops around 4:00. In desperation, chip a frozen mac ‘n’ cheese out of the back of the freezer. Discover half-full carton of ice cream. Devour. Sugar high makes you feel defiant. Record in diet app as ‘1/2 cup’… dare the diet app police to come and get you!
Diet Day 4: Remorseful over unfortunate ice cream incident. Skip breakfast AND lunch. Eat leftover stir-fry for dinner. Count the minutes until bedtime. Dill havarti in the fridge is hollering your name. Fall into fitful sleep filled with dreams of drinking merlot with George Clooney at his villa in Italy. George is hand-feeding you an assortment of cheeses.
Diet Day 5: Weigh yourself again. Naked, of course. Reduce scale reading by 1/4 pound by shifting weight to back of feet. Drink super healthy smoothie at breakfast. Feel enraged by ass taste. Eat bland grilled chicken for lunch. Explode in fury and delete diet app and exercise app from iPhone. Keep peppy music. Spend another evening alone on sofa, listening to stomach rumble.
Diet Day 6: Visit friend for sympathy. She explains that new battery-powered scales are highly inaccurate. Shows you old-school scale that she keeps under her bed. Resting weight indicates -10 pounds. Friend says this is “just how the old scales work”. Thrilled to discover that you are actually 5 pounds lighter than you thought.
Diet Day 7: Awaken in a wonderful mood, feeling great about yourself and ready to take on the day. Check weight on home scale. Hmmm…. number is clearly incorrect. Logic says that you cannot gain 5 pounds overnight. Replace batteries in scale. Still see same number. Remove batteries… better!