FYI… Based on Statistics Canada population figures (which I have multiplied by two for obvious reasons), there are currently 35.8 million female nipples on the loose in Canada. I know… it is frightening.
This week in Ontario, a trio of sisters garnered a rather ludicrous amount of media scrutiny for being pulled over by a police officer while taking a recreational bike ride together. The catch? They were not wearing tops. Yep! You read correctly. Bouncy boobs on bicycles; broads bra-less and fancy-free; roadway mommas with monumental mammaries (trust me… I will never run out of amusing headline options). Obviously, police intervention was necessary!
The officer originally told the titty-touting trio that their boobacious bicycling was against the law. Later, realizing that he was incorrect, he decided that the reason for the confrontation had been his concern that they might be riding without proper bells and lights. Hmmmm…. That would be dangerous. Because without proper bells and lights, who would notice three women bicycling topless down the road?
I am trying to wrap my mind around the issue. Was the officer attempting to protect the Canadian public from boobs in general? Or only from those that are bell-less and unlit? Why was he so afraid? Why are we all so afraid?
Women breast-feeding in our restaurants… teen-aged girls sporting spaghetti-strap tops in our schools… and now this… crazed, tits-to-the-breeze bicyclists flaunting our sense of decency. Based on the opinion pieces promptly posted in local papers across the country, something MUST be done. But what?
Joe Public seems more comfortable when breasts are beneath cloth. So shirt-covered should be fine. But a quick google search reveals that “bra-less” in and of itself, even when not accompanied by actual toplessness, is problematic for many mainstream Canadian males… Unless the shirt is wet and the owner of the nipples is drunk and dancing on a bar in Florida during spring break, in which case huge accolades will pour down upon the owner of the breasts, from thousands of online admirers… Anyway…
In general, Joe Public prefers a combination of bra and shirt. In a strange twist of logic, the bra of choice for most men (based on Cosmopolitan magazine surveys) is the demi-cup push up, which actually exposes about 1/3 of the nipple as well as the top half of the breast itself. However, the ‘nursing’ bra, which is capable of revealing the entire nipple PLUS about 75% of the circumference of the breast, is not considered sexy. Hmmmm…. much to think about…
In preparation for actual bra usage, Canadian girls begin wearing ‘training’ bras when they are still tweens. Presumably, this is to encourage otherwise wayward breasts to conform to mainstream requirements and accept lives of captivity. But what if they didn’t?
What if young women suddenly tore off their Victoria’s Secret demi-cups with the lace trim and matching panties? And older women shrugged aside their Sears bargain bin ‘super’ supports with the two-inch straps and weirdly pointed cups? And we all marched down the street in topless glory, nipples staring at the sun (or perhaps at the sidewalk… depending on our age and the number of children we had breastfed – don’t judge!)
Would such reckless abandon accelerate global warming? Dry up the last of the earth’s oil reserves? Spur Vladamir Putin into a more obvious advance into Poland? Would men be so freaked out that they could no longer regard us as sexual beings? (Because… seriously… is there really ANYTHING that is going to dampen a heterosexual man’s interest in touching breasts… seriously??? The global warming scenario is more likely!!!).
So I smiled a bit as I read about the topless cyclists. Good for them, I thought, feeling oddly buoyed by their small act of rebellion. Then my eye moved to the other side of the newspaper page. “Man jailed in child porn, voyeurism case” the headline read. Apparently, about a month ago, a male staffer at the restaurant I had eaten in the night before, planted a camera in the female washroom. Charming. On the same page was a small article titled “Reported sexual assault investigated”. A woman in a nearby neighbourhood was walking home when a man jumped out of the bushes, fondled her breasts, and ran away. He was described as “average” height and “medium” build. On the next page was an article about a “Man jailed in child porn smuggling”. It was squished tight against another headline – “Police probe reports of sexual attacks.”
I am confused. Weren’t the women in the bathroom, and the woman on her way home, and the young girls caught up in the porn ring, and the university-aged women attacked in their apartment all properly dressed? Weren’t they all doing their part to keep their woman-parts properly in check?
I skipped to the op ed section of the paper. Two citizens wrote in condemning those attention-seeking vixens on the bicycles in Ontario because that is the sort of thing that really gets their dander up… Hmmmm… much to think about.