The majority of fruit flies are alcoholics.
It’s a fact… google it. I could line the kitchen counter with rotten fruit and still have them swarming my wine glass before I’ve had a chance to sip my merlot.
And they are judgemental.
I can hear them whispering in their condescending group voice. “When you finally make banana bread, we will get out of the fruit bowl.” “If you wiped the cabinets down now and again, we would bugger out of your kitchen.” “If you stopped watching Coronation Street and did your dishes, we wouldn’t be a problem.”
I am confident that somewhere there’s a woman so clean and so efficient and so good at sealing things in plastic wrap, that her kitchen is fruit-fly-free, but it isn’t me. It might be my mother-in-law.
They inspire my husband into insane DIY projects.
Added to the clutter of the countertops are half a dozen homemade fruit fly traps: the cider vinegar trap, the squished banana trap, the watered-down honey trap, 2 versions of the apple-slice trap (sugared and unsugared), and the most insulting of all… his famous “wine” trap. Seriously?!? Deliberately sharing the last of my wine with the micro-monsters in the hopes that they will eventually drown in a cabernet? Seems more reward than punishment, if you ask me.
Ants bite and bees sting and those weird things called silver fish kind of creep me out, but nothing drives me crazy like fruit flies. They are the only insect that actually mocks its prey. And make no mistake. They may be dining on the tomatoes and clinging en masse to the sides of the butter dish, but humans are definitely the target. They are after our sanity!
Tonight, I spent an hour wiping down every surface with moistened, scented paper towels. 3 drops of peppermint oil to half a cup of water. Got the recipe online. Theory is that they hate the smell. Hmmm…. starting to hate it myself. Whole damn house smells like candy canes and it’s started to make me think about buying Christmas presents, which is doing NOTHING for my sanity.
I can’t tell if it’s working. It feels like they are just following me through rooms, laughing at my amateur attempts at extermination. Did I mention that they are super smart and possibly able to predict the future? They are always one step ahead of me.
At this very moment, as I am lurching through the house with my paper towel roll and a teacup filled with peppermint water, they are laughing behind my back. In my mind, they sound like the Bee Gees on the old Stayin’ Alive Soundtrack… simultaneously rhythmic and annoying. For a moment, I feel victorious because the swarm of flighted minions has lessened. Then my heart sinks. I know what has happened…
They have picked up on my desperation. Smelled it just like they smell the bananas rotting. They have predicted my next move and moved on ahead. They will be perched on the wine bottle cork when I get downstairs. Waiting…. mocking me!