Mothers lie. That is a universal truth. But, for the benefit of those who may be offended by my opinions, allow me to begin with a disclaimer:
Like snowflakes, each mother is unique. There are most certainly mothers out there who truly love some of my selected ‘hates’, and those who truly hate some of my selected ‘loves’. To those fine specimens of motherhood I say “congratulations. You are better women than I.”
But to the motley masses who love their families dearly but really don’t want to go bowling with them, or listen to any of them practice the violin, I say, “you are not alone.” To the sad souls who believe that all the other moms love gluten-free bread, I say, “it tastes like ass. Buy a croissant immediately.” And to every mother who wants to put a People magazine in her grocery cart but doesn’t, I say, “it’s okay. Buy that trashy magazine. We ALL want to know about Blake Shelton and Gwen Stafani and their secret love child.”
10 Things Moms Pretend to Love (but secretly hate)
- Kale
- Quinoa
- Plain yogurt
- Watching kids play soccer
- Yoga (except that part at the end where you just lay on your back with your eyes closed)
- Museums
- Sleepover birthday parties
- Camping
- Any event requiring costumes
- Any activity involving a bathing suit
10 Things Moms Pretend to Hate (but secretly love)
- Storm days
- Disney Princess movies
- White bread
- Miley Cyrus
- “Having” to eat fast food when there’s no time to make a “real” meal
- Being served “too much” wine
- Reality TV
- Movie popcorn
- Gossip
As I say in the disclaimer, some moms may love donning a bathing suit and having a dip in a hotel swimming pool with a bunch of small people wearing disposable pool panties. And someone must like that gluten-free bread because there’s half an aisle in the grocery store dedicated to the stuff. If you are one of those super-smiley moms, I say, “power on!”
The rest of us will keep on faking it and that’s okay. Because motherhood is hard. We are all trying our best. And McDonald’s french fries are delicious!
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Stuff my dog taught me 
Kim, my wife says you are spot on your two lists. Since we took Yoga together for three months, I confess that the end part you describe is my favorite as well. In fact, I would celebrate internally when the instructor started to pull the curtains closed. Keith
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went to a yoga class where the instructors put cool facecloths on your forehead at the end of class. pure heaven. Sadly, you had to do 1000 downward dogs to get to the facecloth moment.
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That sounds heavenly, not the downward dog part. One of our instructors would massage your feet for a few seconds. That was very nice. The others did not, so we tended to go the massager’s session the most. She killed us less, as well.
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Burger King ain’t bad, either. I’m with you all the way. (And what kind of sadistic personality would plan an event requiring that the women all wear bathing suits?)
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Beach days, kids parties at pools, indoor pools are horrible chain hotels while en route to other, better experiences… the bathing suit moments never end my friend. they never end.
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