What the hell is in that stuff? Is it crack? Heroin? Why can’t I resist its siren call?
I vow I will not buy it… but I do.
I tell myself that I will just get a ‘kid’s pack’ but wind up with a giant bag that I must hold onto with both hands.
Caught up in the moment, I pay extra for ‘real’ butter… and for two packages of white cheddar seasoning (which I am pretty sure is not a cheese product).
I EAT IT ALL in the darkness of the movie theatre where calories don’t count because no one sees you chewing.
An hour later I pray for death. I drink 1000 ounces of water but my thirst cannot be abated. I chew a dozen antacids and still it feels like every kernel is a tiny rabid dog, trying to chew its way out of my stomach.
The next morning, my breath smells like burning rubber (which makes me seriously wonder what the hell white cheddar seasoning is made of). I go to work still slightly nauseous and dehydrated… feeling the effects of my movie theatre popcorn hangover.
I vow I will never buy it again… but deep down I know I WILL.
#first world problems