- What am I supposed to do with the roll of fat that gets pushed upwards by my Spanx?
Should I try to tuck it under the bottom of my bra? Because my middle-aged boobs are already trying to escape from the sides of my underwire and I am a little worried that I might end up with armpit breasts.
- What is the deal on pantyhose?
None of the skin-toned options look anything like my skin. Sheer black ones look too wintery (even when it is actually winter… which is weird). And opaque ones are super-thick and always seem to be pulling downwards, so that the crotch ends up halfway down my inner thighs.
But if I go sans pantyhose, I will inevitably look down at some point during the day and realize that I forgot to shave my legs. Or I will find myself in a sunny room and the glare of the light bouncing off my uber-white flesh will blind fellow business people and make it impossible for anyone to view the powerpoint presentation.
- Is this necklace making my head look small?
Business jewellery is getting larger and Larger and LARGER. I remember when I looked forward to the end of the workday when I could kick off my shoes. Now I fantasize about unfastening the weight around my neck.
- Why are all my blouses transparent?
Because unlike those female business executives on television shows, who slip out of their clothes and are suddenly clad in sexy slips, I am holding my jiggly-bits together with the aforementioned underwire bra and Spanx and control-top pantyhose. I do not need the stress of having to find another layer of clothing to keep the world from seeing my hardworking undergarments.
And I must note that none of my husband’s business shirts are see-through. Just sayin’. And while I am on the subject of sexism in clothes…
- Why do men get all the pockets?
Seriously?!? I have 5 blazers. None of them have functional pockets. Not even the ones that look like they have pockets!
At the end of the day, I will probably go with the ‘nude’ pantyhose even though they make me look like I have prosthetic limbs. I will try to stand as much as possible because my belly fat stays flatter that way. I will keep my pocket-less blazer on no matter how hot it gets, because my blouse is made of the same fabric as the sheer draperies my mother used to have hanging in her living room. And I may swap out the heavy jewelry for a scarf, although that raises a whole other slew of questions about how to wear scarves. Sigh.