I am a mother with three daughters. And this is what I tell them about being a woman…
We are funny. And ferocious. And strong like oceans and mountains. We bend but we do not break. We suffer but we persevere. We do not need men to help us; we simply need them to stop hurting us. We do not need special rules. We just need the same rules to be applied to everyone. Equally. With respect.
Today, I offer up some wise words from wickedly funny women. Enjoy!
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart. Erma Bombeck
Bitches get stuff done. Tina Fey
I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s*** to say. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story — I will. Amy Schumer
To me, bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means somebody’s passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn’t mind leading. Amy Poehler
Ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon. Dorothy Parker
An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. Mae West
Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine. Whoopi Goldberg
I’m here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance. Wanda Sykes
I always say you can’t change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can’t change what happened. Joan Rivers
I am not a princess. I don’t want to be referred to as a princess – I find that super creepy. Melissa McCarthy
We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn’t. Sarah Silverman
You can look good. Don’t let nobody tell you you can’t look good because of your size… or what size your feet is. Leslie Jones
Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty doesn’t mean it does not exist. Margaret Cho
So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen Degeneres
I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. Lily Tomlin
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. Roseanne Barr
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. Phyllis Diller
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. Lucille Ball
I’m gonna play this game the way I want to. It might be serious, it might be a comedy, it might be a dramedy, it might be variety, it might be a talk show, whatever. There’s no box. Mo-Nique
People ask me why I’m so hard on men. It’s because they’ve gotten a really easy ride. And it’s not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. Chelsea Handler
You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That’s an education in itself. Carol Burnett
Make sure your life is a rare entertainment! It doesn’t take anything drastic. You needn’t be gorgeous or wealthy or smart, just very enthusiastic! Bette Midler
Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding. Betty White
If you’re creating anything at all, it’s really dangerous to care about what people think. Kristen Wiig
There’s not a workplace on land or sea or even at the bottom of a big deep hole in the ground where we’re actually keeping women safe. … Wouldn’t it be so nice if they could go to work without carrying bear spray? Except for the park ranger, she definitely needs the bear spray. Samantha Bee
And as a bonus … let’s take a moment to enjoy Samantha Bee’s list of nicknames for “vagina” because it is Super Funny…
Lady garden. Hoo hoo. Hee hee. Haha. Department of the interior. She who shall not be named. The place where I keep my keys. The chamber of secrets. The envelope, please. FernGully. The canyon of heroes. The arc of the covenent. The velour Bouncy Castle. Mrs. Bojangles. The Hurt Locker. Tavern on the Green. Sam’s Club.
Enjoy March 8. Celebrate. And be wicked!