I spend most of my time in my daily life trying to be like a fashion non-combatant. MY HANDS ARE UP! I’M NOT EVEN TRYING! – Tina Fey Click to tweet
As a younger woman, I spent far too much time dressed in uncomfortable, unflattering items of clothing, just because they were in style… Google “culottes” and you will get the picture!
Then, somewhere in my early 40s, life just got too busy to continue giving a crap. I started saying “no” to anything that made me feel like I was in someone else’s skin. Or required ironing. Or cut into my burgeoning wine budget. And oddly, this less-is-more approach seemed to work to my advantage.
Today, I follow a few simple rules, and am generally happy and comfortable in my clothes. In fact, I spend more time pondering what wine to buy than what outfit to wear! In the spirit of sharing (because every woman should enjoy a wine-filled, happy, comfortable life), I offer up my 15 Pearls of Fashion Wisdom:
- Everything looks better in black.
- Horizontal stripes? .. Is there any part of your body that is more than 12″ wide? Answer: Yes? Put that shit back on the hanger.
- Polka dots? Just don’t.
- Nobody’s ass looks “great” in walking shorts. Also… Stop using the term “walking shorts” because only other middle-aged women will know what you are talking about.
- T-shirts with writing across the boobs are for sleeping.
- Only black women can wear neon. The rest of us look like lime popsicles or construction pylons.
- It is not possible to own too many pairs of jeans. Or cardigans. Or black t-shirts.
- It IS possible to own too many hoodies. How many hoodies is “too many”? Answer: One.
- Never buy an item of clothing because it looks good on a mannequin. She has no body fat. Or nipples. Often, she is headless. Hopefully, you do not resemble a mannequin!
- The nude colour bra is the Subaru of undergarments. Not sexy but safe and practical. Own at least two.
- No outfit “needs” thongs. If you must… go kamikaze. But do not wedge a floss string between your butt cheeks. It will make you irritable and impatient.
- The beach cover up is your friend. Unless it has horizontal stripes or polka dots. Review list items 2 and 3.
- Is there a “fashionable” way to wear Roots Sweatpants? Answer: No. But do not let this deter you from wearing Roots sweatpants at least one day of every week. It will make you happy and content.
- Over-priced “cut off” shorts? Answer: Yes. Shorts you “cut off” yourself? Answer: NO. Double NO. Triple NO. Do not even mow your lawn in them.
- Buy the right size. If those size 8 jeans no longer fit… go up or down a size. Seriously! Clothing is supposed to fit you… not the other way round!